Friday, September 28, 2012

The post where I tell you we want another baby.

As I type this, I am in my PJs, curled up in the bed, propped into a semi-sitting position by pillows - lots & lots of pillows! I'm not feeling well tonight, although I don't really know what I could be coming down with. Probably just some sinus drainage or some other "maintenance" type unpleasantry. I don't guess I've ever thought of sinus drainage as a maintenance issue before, but that's another topic altogether.

Speaking of other topics altogether, I am really struggling emotionally with being content where God has me. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely loving our new home, I couldn't be more thrilled that I am now home with the kids all day and that we are homeschooling our happy little hearts out, we have great neighbors, and my husband has been so supportive of our decision to reduce our income by half.

I'm just stuck on one thing.

I want to be pregnant again. I want another little one in the house. I want more noise, more sleepless nights, more memories, more responsibilities, more dirty laundry, more, more, more. Yes, I want all of that and all the other joys that come along with the role of mother-of-an-infant.

This is not a new feeling, see, David and I have been discussing having another child for several months now, but we both were realistic in our expectations when we presented it to our doctor. We both expected a "no, you cannot since you've had x, y & z done to your body. it would be physically impossible." And that is exactly what we were told when we met with the first doctor (not my doctor, but another one in the group.)

But I was not ready to give up the fight. There is a clinic about 12 hours away that specializes in tubal reversals and despite having x, y & z done to my body, Dr. M (one of the surgeons there) had advised me that just because I have had those proceedures does not alone indicate that I would not be a good candidate for a tubal reversal. He recommended we come down and have a hysteroscopy performed that would give a detailed image and report of what my uterine lining looks like now, 2 years post-ablation and 5 years post tubal ligation. After talking to Dr. M, I called and made another appointment with the same office I usually attend, only this one was with my physician.

On the day of my appointment, I fearfully met with Dr. C, the physician who performed my last c-section and ligation, and told her what my husband and I wanted to do. She was excited for us! She immediately scheduled a time for us to do the hysteroscopy which she would forward the results over to Dr. M and let him make the final decision, since that is his specialty.

On the day of the hysteroscopy, I was reminded that it was not likely to find the results I wanted to see because the uterine lining had been burned off just two years ago. I was ok with that. At least I would know that it was impossible to conceive rather than always wondering "what if".

Much to the surprise of everyone in the room, the doctor, the assistant, my husband, and myself, Dr. C announced that she saw healthy lining which was a very good indicator that I could in fact carry a term pregnancy but that she would leave the final "decision" to Dr. M.  I heard from Dr. M's staff the following day. They said that Dr. M was very pleased with what he saw and that I am clear to schedule the surgery for the reversal whenever I would like.

Unfortunately, money is a major factor here. It is not a proceedure covered by insurance and we would be paying for the travel and the surgery out of pocket. So here I wait. Trying to be patient with where God has me. Knowing that if we never even raise the money to have the proceedure done, He has already shown His glory in giving us something else to testify to of His goodness! Dr. C said she has never seen such a clear hysteroscopy report on a post-ablation patient and that based on the report, she would have to classify the ablation that she performed as a failure! Which is fabulous news to us and we are so honored that God would grant us that exciting testimony.

And then...just like the Israelites, I quickly forget how much God has blessed us anytime another hardship comes our way. So here I sit, curled up in the bed, feeling sick, and trying to be peaceful and content during this season of my life. Because after all, life as a child of the King's does have some pretty sweet perks blessings!


Sara said...

We want another baby so badly, too. The timing is just not right for us though and being patient is so hard. Praying that everything works out and goes smoothly for you if another baby is in His plan for you!

Mrs. Confident said...

Ok, maybe I need you to pep talk me! I am all clear to have a baby, but I'm still trying to convince myself I can handle more than 1!